A tale of Morbid Elixir (AKA Simone Anderson)

Now, where shall I start with this twisted tale?

No one really knows where Dr A.L.Cavendisd-Pimms came from. The young Robby Murdoch recalls an Abigail Cavendish-Pimss who was a close friend of Lord and Lady Murdoch and their family physician.

Robby laughs. I remember her having very cold hands during a "cough-n-drop" examination, but we won't dwell on that!

What I know is that Dr Abigail Cavendish-Pims was a woman of ample charms who ran a very, and I mean very, profitable medical practice in the back streets of Covent Garden.

Dr Abigail ran a no questions asked, no nonsense "kill or cure" practice for the Discerning Gentleman needing discretion for acquired ailments (a nod's as good as a wink as they say).

During lean times Dr Abigail realised that she could save a bob or two by making her own sedative from equal parts of Absinthe and Laudanum which would not only sedate a gentleman but would also give him what she called "Absinthe of mind". Some say it was a very useful mixture for lightening the wallet.

On one such occasion, a gentleman, on a return visit accused Dr Abigail of short-changing him for the last treatment.

In a very low and suggestive voice Dr Abigail whispered into the gentleman's ear, "Tell you what sir. Why don't I toss you for it?"

The gentleman's eyes twinkled, and, as he smiled, she whipped out his PURSE! and quick as a flash removed a shiny guinea. "Heads you pay double, and tails," she said with a gentle squeeze of his leg, "its free".

Without waiting for an answer, she tossed his guinea. Perplexed by his understanding of the afore mentioned deal, he missed Dr Abigail's slight of hand, as she had switched the coin for her lucky double-headed coin.

"Heads it is, sir'' she laughed. And with that she administered a large dose of her special elixir in her favorite veterinarian hypo-dermic syringe.

Needless to say, the gentleman left with a smile on his face, a feeling of floating on air and smug in the thought that he had not paid for something, and he would be right.
Dr Abigail had not charged him for the bulldog clip attached to his appendage that would only reveal itself when the elixir had worn off and his screams would be heard clear across to Holborn Viaduct.

This "Elixir" was so good that Dr Abigail had taken to sneaking a nip or two at bedtime, just for medicinal purposes mind! However, she had noted feeling slightly worse for wear and awaking fully dressed in her riding gear and clutching a large brass weapon. Dr Abigail didn't make much of it and life in general was good and prosperous.

Months later while having lunch with her dear friend Dr Nikolai of famed "Eagleston's Confectionary" (Journal Nine) the conversation came around to the alarming headlines in the tabloids, "Morbid Elixir Strikes Again". Slightly startled by this Dr Abigail asks "what's this all about?'

"What's it about? My dear girl, where have you been?" exclaims Nikolai.

"Well I've been so busy with the practice, I've not read a paper in weeks," Dr Abigail replies. "Its slipped me by, please do tell."

Not needing another prompt, Nikolai launched into a story of such melodrama that even a bard would be proud of. (He was known for a touch of the melodramatics, but most people put that down to the leather bicycle saddle that he'd just had imported from the Alien-Hyde Co.)

"Well, it's like this. There is this lady vigilante stalking the streets at night with a large brass fluid suction weapon. She is praying on gentlemen of ill repute. Some say they deserve it."

"What's happening to them?" Dr Abigail asked feeling slightly uncomfortable.

"Well, it's the juice of a thing. They appear to be left as skin and bone with all their juices and organs removed, with a signature off a vile green elixir poured all over them. it's totally morbid. That's where they got the name don't ya know"!

"Morbid Elixir - the gentlemen fixer."

"OH! This is terrible", exclaims Dr Abigail. "Change the subject. I can't listen to any more".

"Anyway, how is your business going," she asked Nikolai.

"Do you know, its the darndest of things. We have introduced a couple of new lines of confectionary. We have been getting a nightly delivery of freshly butchered items from an unknown supplier. The Moroccan sweet breads are delicious and the savory brawn in lime jelly is particularly good. The supplier is  a master at it, we can't sell enough. It would be a bugger if we lost the supplier now. I would have to go back to shrinking aliens," he laughed.

Dr Abigail feeling slightly flushed, suddenly excused herself and raced home with more than the price of half a pound of fresh brawn on her mind.

Distraught and fearing the worst, she suddenly saw the large brass Vapor Rail Cartridge Lance set to liquid extraction on the bedside locker.

DUN-DUN-DUUUUN!!! Sound Effect    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW7Op86ox9g

Dr Abigail hastily packed her suitcase and set off into the night to get help from her old friend Cpt Rob.

On arrival at Robby's residence she was ushered into his study by Sparky Carter who by now had been promoted to Rob's batman.

Now this was maybe not the place to leave her. On the other hand maybe it was. This was the room where Cpt Rob kept the Tele-krono Transportator Mk3.

Dr Abigail had seen Cpt Rob twiddle with his knob on the chair before. She realised that his was her way out. Now we all know that nothing ever good came from twiddling with another man's knobs and knockers, let alone those on a time machine.

To this day no one knows what setting she hit, but with a blinding pulse she was gone. Cpt Rob arrived home to find his chair warm and Dr Abigail's hat on the seat. She was gone, totally gone, and not just over there.

The tabloid headlines ceased and "Morbid Elixir" became a myth.

Meanwhile, many years later on the other side of the world, near the Light side of the Mount, a small group of like-minded artists were researching an exhibition of an unusual kind, when they came across a 1919 copy of "VITALOGY - Encyclopedia of Health and Home". On the inside cover was a hand written description: "To Absinthe Laudanum Cavendish-Pimms on her graduation. Love from us all here at the Abattoir de Parisienne".

Further investigation tracked her down to the Bethlehem area in the district of Tauranga.

It was found that she had made a career selling "Cavendish-Pims Elixir of Life" a bright green liquor, with claims of curing most ailments, starting a BBQ or stripping the scale from your Ma's teapot.

When asking the local community if they remembered the lady, they all recounted with warm affection the good lady doctor with ample charms and a charitable nature, inviting waifs and strays along to her annual Christmas BBQ with lashings of "special punch" skewered Morrocan meat balls and a rather savory meatloaf. All her own recipes.

It was noted that there was next-to-no crime in this area and villains would "disappear" before they became an issue.

Dr Absinthe Laudanum Cavendish-Pimms found a husband on her travels, and settled down to a blissful life in the Antipodes.

The End.

Ken Wright, Lightwave Gallery 2013